I always wanted to be somebody, but maybe I should have been more specific
“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation, the other eight don’t matter”–Henry Miller
Last night I dreamed I had insomnia
“The problem with the world is that everyone is always a few drinks behind me”–Humphrey Bogart
Murphy was a freaking optimist
My wife and I like to have hallway sex-we pass each other in the hall and tell each other to f### off
How come you can kill a deer and put its head on a wall but you are not allowed to keep one as a pet?
If electricity comes from electrons does morality come from morons?
Why is Charlie short for Charles when they both have the same amount of letters?
In France, a cinnamon roll is sometimes called a Nuns Fart
“The urge to save humanity is almost always a front for the urge to rule”–H.L. Mencken
I may not be able to buy happiness but I still want the money
Farfrompoopin–Another word for constipation
Fact: No man has ever been shot and killed by his wife while doing the dishes.
You can’t throw the baby out with the bathwater because then all you will have is a wet critically injured baby.
Everyone has to have a goal in life, mine is to ruin as many people’s dreams as possible
Sex is like being in the army,the closer to discharge you get the better you feel
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves”–Confucians
And in parting remember the words of my Father; Never trust the dog to watch your food