My Summer Sports League


Ah summer, a time to sit back and relax, have a few cold ones and for the more sports inclined folks in this city join a sports league or two and get your exercise while being in a social environment as well. Ok, that may not be for all of us. While there are many of my fellow Cambridge citizens participating in the  rigorous sports out there like baseball and football, heck I even consider Golf a little too strenuous for me, there are many in my age group that look for other options to get involved in sports that allow us to drink beer and socialize away from our wives and the many chores that they have lined up for us during these warm months. With that in mind I have created a new Sports League for those that are of a like mind, it is for the terminally lazy and the genetically inherited clumsy residents of Cambridge, and we don’t need to drive to Doon to participate in any of the sports. It is a league that involves very little running or physical activity and it will get us off the front porches and away from grass cutting to compete on a face to face basis with our peers.

 

Some of the activities that I have come up with include:

…Full Contact Twister– a game that involves 2 teams of 4 players each, We hope to get about 12 teams for this one.

…Window Shopping tag–The Cambridge center will be the host for this one, Good Lord, we already have 18 woman sign up for this event, should be one of the greatest events in this city’s history.

…Cookie Baking–This league is not as easy as it sounds, each week the cookie to be made will not be known to the contestants until 2 hours before the contest and they will have to run out and get all the ingredients for it.– But in the end the reward for all the teams in this one is they get to eat the finished product.

…Extreme Ironing–Each week the contestants will have only one hour to  Iron clothes that are choosing by the  Mayor, The members of city Council have already volunteered to help with this one”

…Stone Skimming–Shades Mill will be the host for this traditional summer event. There isn’t anyone in this city that has not skimmed a stone at one time or another

…Ultimate Fly swatting–‘The contestants in this league will really work up a sweat, and the team that wins this league gets a golden fly swatter as a trophy, This is truly a Canadian  event.

…Monday Night Euchre:  Watch the old gals try to deke around a bad hand and score points.

…Soper Park Toe Wrestling:  Competing teams from the East Side and the West Side of Galt go toe to toe in top-notch toe wrestling live from Soper Park.

That is my list for now, and I hope that these events will get us all off our fannies and onto the path to well-being, or a path to a local bar….

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Hold Me Closer Tony Danza


I had a Sister In Law that for years thought Hold Me closer Tony Danza was an actual line from Elton John’s Tiny Dancer, but that is not the worst of what has been misinterpreted  by many of us while sitting around a Drunken Bush Party on a Saturday Night.   I’ve heard Electric Boobs and Mohair Shoes replace Electric Boots and a Mohair suit in Elton’s Bennie and the Jet’s, heck what got me started on this was a discussion on Facebook about Mony Mony and what was being sang, Da Pony was not quite what was being song, Ride a Pony would be correct. Some songs were just so unintelligible that deciphering what they say was almost impossible so anything you sang would work well. The Hollie’s Long Cool Women( In a Black dress) is a perfect example of that theory, just what the hell does Allan Clarke sing anyway?

We all know the Jimi Hendrix classic misheard lyric, Scuse me while I kiss this guy, Cher’s Hit song Gypsy’s Tramps and Thieves has been misheard as chimpanzees and every night they lay the monkey down. and how did Robert Palmers Addicted to Love wind up with a lyric like, might as well face it your a dick with a glove? Could it be a song about Alex Rodriguez?  While sitting around a campfire a few years ago I swore I heard some singing a Madonna song and using the Lyric,like a Virgin touched for the 36th time, it could happen I guess.  Toto’s song Africa is apparently about Outer space according to some, there’s nothing that a hundred men on Mars could ever do, interesting idea that is for sure. Some of the greatest songs are mangled while drinking among friends, REM’s Losing my religion has been turned into, Let’s pee in the corner, Let’s pee in the spotlight, which when you think about it is not a bad idea late on a Saturday Night, and the Rolling stones beast of Burden get’s a re-write after a few funny cigarettes with it becoming I’ll never leave your pizza burnin’.  Another song with a number of mis-heard lyrics is Manfred Mann’s Earth Bands version of Bruce Springsteen’s Blinded By the Light, On Springsteens version the lyrics are very clear, but when Manfred Mann covered it for their classic 1976 version it left a lot of us unsure of what was being said.  You look like Medusa with hair Rollers in the Night?  I was wrapped up like  douche in the night?  Eddie Money apparently has two chicks and a pair of dice, and Bryan Adams apparently had his first real sex dream in the summer of 69. I could go on forever, and everyone has their own misheard lyric that intrigues them I am sure, oh well at least I know the words to O Canada…Oh Canada,We stand on cars and freeze.

Of Dogs And Birds


At the end of April our family suffered a loss that still affects us a month later, our family Shih tzu, Lucky passed away just days shy of his 15th Birthday and while physically we may have moved on emotionally we still have moments when we forget he is gone which causes us both pain and laughter.  The other morning as I slipped out of bed I tripped over a pillow that had fallen on the floor and for some strange reason I blurted  out ” Damn you Lucky, why are you laying there” and of course I felt a little foolish when my wife reminded me that he was gone and a little sad as well. There are other things that have caused us to remember him, we have no one to feed our pizza crusts to, I find myself still hurrying home from work to walk the little fella and then being disappointed that I can’t.  My wife still will make an extra piece of toast for him and occasionally she thinks she still hears him coming down the stairs, I have even gone into the pet section of the store I am in to see what goodies they have for him. But it was time to move on and we decided that we will not jump into having another dog as a companion right away so we considered a cat but quickly dispensed of that idea for now, so we settled on feeding the wild birds that are in and around our trees that are located near our front porch,hell it seemed like a simple enough scenario,boy was I wrong. Just trying to find a good bird feeder at a decent price was tough enough, dog dishes are really cheap in comparison and then you have to find a place to hang it where the squirrels won’t get at it and if that is not enough when you find the perfect spot you realize that you can’t see it because of all the leaves and the search continues until you find a happy medium. Then it is on to the bird seed,again not cheap to get the good stuff but after hours of searching I found a good price and a decent size, one that I thought would last me at least a month…boy was I wrong. The little suckers went through that like a City Councillor through a budget, a big bag lasted less than a week, heck the same size Dog Food bag would last two months with Lucky and even worse was the mess that the birds leave behind, all over the ground and into our garden,guess the location was not the best. We have gone through more birdseed than I thought possible but the relaxation factor of watching the little guys flying around does take my mind off our loss, but it appears I better head back out to get some more seed, I think there is a sparrow with a shotgun staring at us.