New Years Hangover Remedy’s


Some hangover Cures for you to look at.  I don’t recommend any one particular, but W.C. Fields seems to have the right idea.   By the way, these are all real cures, so don’t blame me for the canary one.( even though it sounds like a good idea, i mean the chirping when you have a hangover? Perfect solution)

Pliny the Elder
2 owl’s eggs, raw

To be taken neat.

The Plinys, like many other top-drawer Roman families, enjoyed the pleasures of good food and drink. Fortunately, they could also pen a word or two on the subject so that we are left with a little knowledge of their tastes.

Pliny the Elder, for example, was something of a cheese buff and was particularly attracted to pecorino–and not just any old pecorino, but the one made in Tuscany. And as wine goes so well with cheese it is not surprising that every now and then he overdid it. When that happened, the Pliny family knew what to do.

Fried Canary
1 canary
1 pint cooking oil
Salt and pepper to taste

Grab the canary and with a large pair of scissors cut off its head. Make a small incision in the skin near the breast-bone; slip a finger inside, and deftly pull off the skin with all the feathers attached. Heat the oil until almost smoking, pop the bird in, undrawn, and deep-fry for two minutes. Remove from the oil, dust with salt and pepper and serve. (Some people recommend flambéing the canary with cognac immediately upon removing from the pan. This step is optional.)

W.C. Fields
A martini made of 1 part vermouth, 4 parts gin and one olive

To be taken round the clock.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald, characters from F. Scott Fitzgerald‘s The Great Gatsby, drank their way through two continents, terrifying some, disgusting others and thrilling even more. The Fitzgerald cure is found in a note, which he wrote upon request of a friend that he write something especially for her. He wrote (sic):

Skot Fisgurel by Merry Mac-Caul

“I have never scene Skot Fisgurel sober but he is a grate friend of mine. He has offen toled me about his methods. He begins in the mawning with 3 (three) strong whiskeys and from then on for years and years he seldom stops. I myself am a danscer and kan skarecely write my own name.”

Kingsley Amis

Another writer cited by Outerbridge is Kingsley Amis, who wrote the following:

Upon awakening: ‘If your wife or other partner is beside you, and (of course) is willing, perform the sexual act as vigorously as you can. The exercise will do you good, and–on the assumption that you enjoy sex–you will feel toned up emotionally.

‘Warnings: (1) if you are in bed with somebody you should not be in bed with, and have in the least degree a bad conscience about this, abstain. Guilt and shame are prominent constituents of the Metaphysical Hangover, and will certainly be sharpened by indulgence on such an occasion.

‘(2) For the same generic reason, do not take the matter into your own hands if you awake by yourself.’

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Senior Texting Code


Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there
appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If
you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

ATD: At The Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL… Rolling On The Floor Laughing
CGU: Can’t Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

Christmas Facts


  • The song “White Christmas” holds the credit as the most-selling Christmas single of all time.
  • Santa Claus has nine reindeer counting Rudolph that pull his sleigh.
  • Saturnalia, was the Romans holiday that was celebrated in December.
  • It wasn’t until about 200 years after Christ’s death that Christians started celebrating his birth.
  • In northern Europe there was a holiday known as Yule. They celebrated this holiday by making great fires. They then would dance around the fires, yelling for the winter to end.
  • Austria was the first country to issue a Christmas postage stamp.
  • Silver and gold are the popular Christmas colors after red and green.
  • Eggnog the popular Christmas food was an American discovery.
  • The Christmas carol “I Saw Momma Kissing Santa Claus” was made famous by Jimmy Boyd when he was just 12 years old.
  • Christmas lights were invented by the American Ralph E. Morris.
  • W. C. T. Dobson invented the Christmas card.
  • Canada is the largest exporter of Christmas trees.
  • King’s Canyon National Park, California has the world’s largest Christmas tree.
  • Coca-Cola made the concept of Santa Claus popular in America.
  • There are twelve days between Christmas and the Epiphany.

 

  • Mrs. Claus, Santa’s wife, was first introduced to the world in 1889 in the book “Goody Santa Claus On A Sleigh Ride” by the poet Katherine Lee Bates.
  •  

  • In Australia, Christmas comes in the middle of summer and the temperature often hits a sweltering 100 degrees farenheit on Christmas day. During this warm Australian Christmas season, outdoor barbecues have become a part of the Christmas tradition.
  •  

  • Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was originally created for Montgomery Ward department stores as part of a promotional gimmick.

Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus


Editorial Page, New York Sun, 1897

We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Sun:

Dear Editor,

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

Virginia O’Hanlon

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except what they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Santa Answers some letters


Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben good boy all yeer.

YeR FReND,BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You’re on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How ’bout I send you a  book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!

Santa


Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
You’re parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?

Santa


Dear Santa,

I’ve written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!

Love, Joey

Dear Joey,

Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I’m gonna torch your house. You’ll have more fire trucks than you’ll know what to do with.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

What, and ruin that hot affair your dad’s still having with the baby-sitter? He’s banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.

Love, Michelle

Dear Michelle,

It blows my  mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed like snakes and Ladders.

-Santa


Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joe’s, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who the hell names their kid “Francis” anyways?

Santa


Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the craps and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.

Santa


Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses’ asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table.Hey, YOU wanted to know!

Santa


Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I’m skipping your house…

Santa


Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

That whiny begging crap may work with your folks, but that  doesn’t fly up here. You’re getting a sweater….again.

Santa


Dearest Santa,

We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Mark,

Firstly, stop calling yourself “Marky,” that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don’t live in a house, that’s a low-rent apartment complex you’re living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

SweetDreams!

Santa

Ok, maybe Santa shouldn’t answer his letters.

12 Rejected Christmas toys


12 toys that were rejected for this Christmas season

MY LITTLE PONY GLUE FACTORY

JOHN CANDYLAND

PEPPIN TOMMYS NIGHT VISION GOGGLES

EASYBAKE METH LAB

TONKA TOYS FOR WHITE TRASH

PLAYDOUGH BLING FACTORY

ROADKILL RACCOON

O.J. SIMPSON ACTION FIGURE, WITH LIFE LIKE SLAsHING MOTION

SHIITE PET

XXX FILES ACTION FIGURES

BULIMIC BARBIE

ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE POWER RANGERS.

Tips for the older folks


Lovemaking Tips For Seniors  



1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before  you begin.

5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember..

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want….the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.
 

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
 
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
 
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
 
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….
 
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
 
You are cautioned to slow down by the   doctor instead of by the police   .

‘OLD’ IS WHEN
.. 
‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take a laxative today.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….
 
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot..

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
 
An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….
 
You’re not sure if these are facts or jokes.  

( this is in large type so you can read it)  


Hespeler Santa Claus Parade


Saturday, December 4 · 12:00pm – 3:00pm
The 31st Annual Downtown Hespeler Santa Claus Parade
Santa will be giving out candy to the kids

( Like the old days)

After the parade at Scout Hall in Forbes Park

Come out and participate enjoy our small town hospitality

Please: Donate Whatever You Can To The 31st Annual Downtown Hespeler Santa Claus Parade