James Hillis

Archive for April, 2010|Monthly archive page

The Throne Room has been Invaded

In Uncategorized on April 30, 2010 at 11:17 pm

I’ve had it, my space has been invaded, let me tell you about it. You know, they say that a man’s home is his castle(don’t tell my wife that though)and in my castle i had everything where i wanted it, or at least did until the grandchildren started to get older and discovered a few things. Now when i turn on my computer the first thing that comes up is the latest Miley Cyrus news, when i go to my music, somehow Jesse McCartneys music has found it’s way onto my playlists. I go to get into the shower and i have to clear out a rubber duckie or two, and if i watch another episode of “Wizards of Waverly place” it will be too soon. I went to get my lawn mower out of the shed and had to dig thru 4 soccer balls and a ton of badminton rackets and birdies, plus untangle the net that was put away”neatly”(yeah, right.) Now my beer can’t go in the main fridge, as it has been replaced by Kool-Aid Koolers, my cheese mysteriously get’s eaten and i have rediscovered the taste for Pop Tarts. Buy some oranges for a late night snack? Nope, they are gone before i even get close to them and i swear the one granddaughter should be swinging from trees as she eats bananas like there is no tomorrow. But the final straw occurred this past weekend, for in every castle is a throne room and of course for the modern man his throne room is the bathroom. And so Saturday night i went in to do what i do and as i reached into my Newspaper basket to grab some intellectual reading material i blindly opened what i thought was a book of mine i realized that what i had gotten a hold of was in fact one of my granddaughters Dr. Seuss books. I let out a blood curdling scream as i realized that the last Bastien of my privacy had been toppled, i now shared my bathroom reading material with an 8 year old. How would i explain this while having a beer at the legion with my friends” Guess what guy’s? “i had a great movement and read Green Eggs and ham while i was at it”. No more maxim’s in the crapper..oh, life can be cruel.


Cooper Street Relics Golf Tips!

In Uncategorized on April 28, 2010 at 7:13 pm

I am not a golfer any more and as such you can take or leave my advice, It really doesn’t matter to me, but here are some tips on Golfing that i have learned and will share with you now!

  • When teeing off, don’t forget to shout “Fore!” for some reason.
  • To get the most out of a Sunday afternoon on the golf course, be trapped in a loveless marriage to a shrill, clothes-obsessed witch you can’t stand to be around.
  • If you encounter a dark-skinned person while golfing, do not panic. Maintain an air of respect, hand over all your valuables, and walk quickly to the clubhouse.
  • When beating other golfers to death, try a three-iron instead of a wood. You’d be amazed by the difference.
  • Before golfing, emboss your company’s logo onto the ball, the tee, and your watch. Then embroider the logo onto the breast pocket of your shirt. There’s nothing quite like an embossed or embroidered corporate logo.
  • If you are a cartoonist, make sure to remember any riotous comments or actions that occur while golfing.( that’s for sarge)
  • Golfing with clubs is for pussies. A truly skilled golfer requires only the power of his mind to manipulate the ball into the hole.
  • Note to non-golfers: Those “World’s Greatest Golfer” trophies featuring a plastic image of Snoopy teeing off are not as prestigious as they appear.
  • When golfing with a female half your age, offer to “help her with her swing,” standing behind her and steadying her hips while grinding your crotch into her ass.
  • The new Titleist Titanium 975D features a 260cc deep face head, patented Thru-Bore construction, and a strengthened crown for greater energy transfer and maximum playability. No wonder it’s the hottest titanium club on the market.
  • For maximum golfing fun, get yourself a high-tech golf bag that shoots your clubs out automatically and plays Journey’s “Any Way You Want It” at the touch of a button.
  • Determine the angle at which you should putt by crouching low to the ground and pointing your club in the direction of the hole. This is one of the many shrewd techniques that makes golf such a thrilling game to watch.

And after all that, swing away you golf heads!
Remember, I know whats good for you!

Something in a Sunday

In Uncategorized on April 27, 2010 at 12:38 am

“Then i crossed the empty street

on the sleeping city sidewalks

Something in a Sunday makes a fella feel so all alone”

Those words are from the Song”Sunday Morning Coming Down” written in 1969 by Kris Kristoffersen, and today the notion of a big city totally shut down on a Sunday sounds absurd. But in 1969 that was the norm, even in the big city’s like Toronto or New York and of course in our little part of the world here in Hespeler,Galt and Preston.

I remember getting up on a Sunday Morning and going to church ,but more importantly i remember the family breakfasts that would occur at the family home immediately after church. There would almost always be Aunts and Uncles, cousins , Great Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents gathered around the table just getting ready to dig into a big heaping of Bacon, Eggs and pancakes, and for some strange reason i can still smell the strawberry and raspberry jam that would be going on the freshly baked bread that was toasted on the old-fashioned stove top toaster. But this story is not about that, it is about what was going on outside the comfort of the big dining room on Cooper street.

Nothing, absolutely  sweet nothing.  There was very little traffic, no car radios blasting music, all you could hear was the sounds of kids playing and dogs barking.  We would go for a Sunday walk and there was no Tim Hortens to go to, no Grocery Store open to run to, if you didn’t get your beer on Saturday before 5:00 you up the creek without an opener, so to speak. The downtown core that had been bustling the day before was now shut down tight. The butcher shop was silent, the five and dime store that i had spent a good hour in the day before was now just a viewing gallery. The Queens Hotel where my father and his rowdy gang had probably spent a night of high-spirited hi-jinks sat waiting for Monday thereby allowing the men of the night to recover and spend the day doing their husbandry duties.  Factory’s were quiet, the woollen mills sat still and the Speed River seemed to flow a little more majestically because of the still that was in the air. Sure you could go see a movie in the evening or perhaps go see the Hespeler Mic Macs  play Seaforth at the Arena but that was in the evening, this was Sunday Day.  And it was for family to enjoy, no McDonald’s or Burger King for dinner, it was home cooked meals on a Sunday, Roast Beef or Pork, Mashed Potatoes and veggies and home-baked pies.

But those day’s are gone and Sunday is just another day of the week, the importance of the day long forgotten by many and unheard of by many under the age of 30. And that is why on this past Sunday i got up early and went for the same walk that my Mother used to take me over 40 years ago, i stopped and tried to hear the sounds of the past but alas they were gone, they were killed by the crashing bass of the sound system of a passing car,  the leaf blowers hard at work, the sound of a work crew fixing somebody’s roof, the people yelling at each other in front of Ernie’s roadhouse, the smell of gas being pumped into somebody’s hummer on Queen Street and the sound of the Grand River transit bus passing me by.  And as i headed home i closed my eyes and envisioned a Fall day in November 1969 and it brought a brief moment of peace into my soul.

“On a Sunday Morning sidewalk

wishing lord i was stoned

Something in a Sunday, makes a fella feel all alone”

That’s me in the back stuffing my face. 1960

The Suspender search!

In Uncategorized on April 25, 2010 at 7:04 pm

It all started from being mooned by one of my grand daughters, unintentionally mooned but still I was mooned. You see she has a problem, the same problem that I had as a kid, no fricking hips! Pant’s would always fall off, or show the world the crack of dawn, something that was not pleasant at all. When that happened to me I wound up wearing suspenders, cool little things that were both functional and fashionable. In the 70’s they became even more cool as Elton john and Godspell made them colourful and fun, but of course like everything else they died off and belts became the choice to keep your pants up. And when presented a problem like that my wife and I went to work, sure a belt might work, but for a little 6-year-old suspenders would be a stylish choice and off shopping we went, thrifty’s, Wal-Mart,Zellers,Bonnie Togs and a few more places we looked but kept running into the same answer..no, we don’t sell suspenders, we even had a few “what are suspenders?” tossed our way, and frustration was setting in, but like good Grandparents we searched a few more places but to avail, it appears that the Suspender is a lost form of clothing. People today don’t wear them unless you are a Farmer or a Mennonite, what a disappointment to find that out, that a belt is considered more of a fashion statement now than suspenders. 41 belt designs for kids but no suspenders, hundreds of designs for adults but no suspenders, what are the Hilfigers of the world thinking, Bring back the suspender, hell it would make a great election tool, suspenders with the candidate’s name or face on them. musicians could sell them to go with the t-shirts they sell, banks could give them away for opening a new credit card account, after all how many toasters do we need anyway?

And so the search has ended fruitlessly, but like Thomas the Tank Engine, I will find the suspenders ..I know I can,I know I can.

The Coffee Maker

In Uncategorized on April 23, 2010 at 11:11 pm

I love Coffee, if my doctor told me today that i had to give up either Coffee or Beer the choice would be simple..Bye Bye Booze. I have used the traditional Mr.Coffee style drip maker and have never enjoyed it, but a few years ago i cam across a coffee maker that makes the best coffee in the world. My parents has bought the Regal coffee maker in the year 1952 and it was just sitting in my mom’s closet when i found it and decided to use it. It works perfect and still has all the original parts. Makes a fine damn cup of java and for a 56 year old machine it is perfect. Now when i hit 56 i hope i work just as well. Well the coffee is ready so off i go.

The Three Stages of Man

In Uncategorized on April 20, 2010 at 11:12 pm

The three stages of man
–he believes in Santa Clause
–He doesn’t believe in Santa Clause
–He is Santa Clause

Responsible Holiday Drinking=i am trying to schedule it so i get it all done before lunch
If you don’t make mistakes, you aren’t really trying
I’d tell you a joke about a pencil, but it doesn’t have any point
I was named after my father, I’m called Dad
A conservative government is an organized hypocrisy—Benjamen Disraeli
A hotdog at the ball park beats a steak at the ritzBogie
Why does Hawaii have an Interstate highway?
Authentic reproduction=oxymoron or what?
Why is the man who invests my money called a BROKER
The grass is always greener;;;when you remember to water your lawn
How come quicksand works so slowly?
Coffee=break fluid
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
Elephants can’t jump, every other mammal can
I like long walks…especially when they are by people that annoy me
A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory
Therapy is expensive..popping bubble wrap is cheap..you decide

And don’t bother me..i am living happily ever after.

What about Monday?

In Uncategorized on April 18, 2010 at 6:05 pm

What is it about Monday’s? There have been many songs written about it, and most of them have not a good thing to say.
Rainy Day’s and Monday’s–The Carpenters
I don’t like Monday’s–The Boomtown Rats
Blue Monday—Fat’s Domino
Call it Stormy Monday–Nancy Wilson These are just some songs and not one has a good thing to say about Monday. Now i know it is the first day of the week for many, and that in itself is a drag but at the same time i find it refreshing a day as there is. For Teenagers it is time to return to the books after a weekend with their friends, and for adults back to work after trying to accomplish work around their homes and visiting family and friends.
And Monday’s have always had an interesting aura around them. They have been called Black Monday-Blue Monday-Wet Monday-Miracle Monday-Bloody Monday among others. And of course we have Easter Monday[or for some the First Monday]. Monday is the day to get the workweek on track and create a whole slew of new” to-do lists”. There is even a medical ailment called “Mondayitis” an illness associated with Depression, involving going back to work.
The expression”Monday’s child is fair of face” is actually inspiring,not a comedown. And since the first Monday there have been over 100,000 Mondays and yet the world still goes on. Some major events have happened on a Monday, yes, and here are some of them–Salvador Dali died on a Monday–Terry Kath of the Jazz/Rockband Chicago was shot to death on a Monday-Brenda Spenser inspired the Boomtown Rats to write “I don’t like Mondays” by killing 2 people in her school on a Monday Morning-a protest in London England in 1886 on aMonday led to a riot and many unknown deaths–Wall street crashed on a Monday in 1929. Those are just some of the events that happened on a Monday. A survey in Colorado in 2002,found over a period of 6 weeks that more accidents happenned on the Roadways on a Monday than any other day. In Las Vegas a study done by the University of Las Vegas found that more police reports of Domestic Disturbances happened on Monday’s.
Now are Monday’s all bad? Of course not. In my case Monday’s are usually the best day of the week. It is a day off for me and it allows me to hit the Malls and go shop, and the trafficc is always lighter going as fewer people are out and about during the day. So Monday’s are my Sunday’s and i appreciate them even if most people hate them. So Monday’s are here to stay and nothing we do will change that, so i suggest that everyone learn to love Monday’s, Hell there is even a band out of England called ‘The Happy Monday’s”. I wonder if they get yelled at?
So i am off, it is Monday and i am going to enjoy it.

Until next time Keep a cold one in the Fridge you never know when i will show up.

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More Views From my Barstool

In Uncategorized on April 13, 2010 at 9:34 pm

ust some more thoughts and Quotes that i have in my Head.

I have always dreamed of being in bed with a hot woman. Little did i know i would have to wait until she reached menopause!

It is so easy to blame others, and that is why i do!
There are two theories to arguing with a woman..and neither one works.

I decided not to buy more life insurance, my wife doesn’t need any more incentive.
“I just want you to know that when we talk of war, we are really talking about Peace”…George W. Bush
If the shoe fits, it probably is expensive

I don’t trust my financial manager, he is married to a travel agent
How come i press harder on the TV remote when i know the battery’s are dying?
I believe in luck, how else do you explain the success of those i don’t like

My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat
I have a photographic memory, unfortunately though i am out of film.
The invisible man married the invisible woman..their kids weren’t much to look at either.

And in parting remember the words of Groucho Marx.
“I’ve had a perfectly good evening, but this wasn’t it”

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Digging up the Past

In Uncategorized on April 12, 2010 at 5:49 pm

From The Cambridge Advocate ..July 15 2058.

The City residents of Cambridge Ontario let out a collective sigh of disappointment today as an almost 50 year old Time capsule was dug up today by the oldest living retired mayor Thomas Vann. “What a bunch of crap” seemed to be the collective feeling of the many who braved the freezing temperatures and the snow that fell over night. “Why could we have not opened this in November when it is warmer” Jane Mitzell asked, “What where the people who buried this crap thinking” she added. The time capsule was contained in a large box which looked like it was made out of old election signs bearing the words'”Re-elect Doug” which baffled many in attendance as they had no idea of whom that refered to. However the people that did show up got a good fireworks show as the demolition of the City hall went as planned and the explosions could be felt all the way to Cowsill land across the 401. Strangely though no one showed up from Kieeferville, though it appears their Councillor was out of town on an excursion and forgot to tell his people about it.

“Originally we were very excited to open this thing” stated current Mayor and Head Vampire Victoria Clark, “But once we opened it we realized there was nothing but crap in it.”   When it was opened they found no gold or silver just a lot of useless things that told them how things were in this city back at the turn of the downslide that engulfed the area. There were photographs of the then City Council and Mayor, but since someone forgot to put names on the pictures they could not be identified, and really no one cared. There were postcards from a previous time which showed the downtown area bustling and happy”Why would they put fantasy items in here” was what most people wondered about. There were pictures of the bridges going over Grand River and that was interesting as there were no toll bridges visible” You mean people used to go to the West Side without paying a toll” How barbaric stated a West Side resident. There were city documents showing when the City had no debt, causing uproarious laughter from the assembled politicians that were there.  There was picture of a water fountain, something that most residents had only been told about by their Grandparents, and the odd looking booth picture that contain something like a phone puzzled many of the onlookers.  In the end people went away disappointed in what was found there.  All of the articles will be kept at the abandoned Drayton building until they figure out how to display the junk they found.

I don’t need No stinking Law

In Uncategorized on April 8, 2010 at 9:42 pm

While i was sitting in the Zehr’s parking lot waiting for my Mother to finish her shopping i watched a woman park her vehicle in a Handicap Space. Now there is nothing wrong with that but when she emerged she obviously was not handicapped. And as i sat there i though to myself, wonder what excuse she would use if someone confronted her about it. Here were some i came up with.

My Grandfather was handicapped, isn’t there a Grandfather clause in the law?
I don’t read so Good
I suffer from terminal laziness
I suffer from attention deficit disorder. Huh, what where you saying?
My inner child just needed an Ice cream sandwich.
My shoes are too expensive to walk in.
Wheelchair symbol? I though it was a rocking chair.
My religion forbids common acts of courtesy.
I ignore other laws, why not this one?
I am disabled..by a painfully swollen EGO.

I should have said something but by then i realized i was parked in a pregnant woman only spot! NARF

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Monday Day Waste

In Uncategorized on April 5, 2010 at 10:29 am

Just sitting around and something came to me. Somethings the average guy never say’s. So here are 10 things you will probably never hear me say.
Hey Bud! Is my ass too big?
Here Honey you use the remote
You know that stripper was cute, but, her breasts are too big
Ooh! Antonio Bandderis and Brad Pitt: That is one movie I have to go see
While I’m up can I get you anything?
Sex Isn’t that important, sometimes I just want to be held
Awww, forget the Leaf game, Let’s watch DR. Phil
Hey! Let me hold your purse while you try that dress on
How come we don’t go dancing anymore
Beer! No thanks just give me a Pepsi

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