You Can’t argue with this!


Who to vote for Mayor? Who should we vote for in our ward? Is Drayton Good? On here it is almost impossible to get a consensus about it, but one thing that everyone agrees on here is our love of Food.  Debbie likes Food, Margaret likes Food, Ben Tucci likes food even  Jim Howard likes Food, that we can all agree on. Now before you try to come up with an argument about it , just stop and think about it. Everyone you have ever encountered likes food, some may like it more than others, and some may like stuff that you despise, but the bottom line is we all like Food. I have never eaten a meal with the Mayor, but i am sure he sits down to a good heapen helping of Mashed Potatoes just like most of us. You walk downtown and people come up to you and ask you for some money so they can buy food, it is that popular. You may say your kid is a picky eater, but guess what eventually the kid does eat, you just have to figure out what it is he/she likes to eat. Some people don’t like Asparagus, so they drown it in a sauce, but they still eat it because it is food. There is food for everyone, hamburgers,hotdogs,steaks hell donuts are food, so is cereal, and what do you do when you watch a movie, you eat popcorn and yes that is a food. Some food may be more popular that others but it is all food, that you can not argue with. Now, Margaret and Waycat, about that frickin Asparagus!

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Organization of unconcerned Cambridge Citizens


Myself and over 20,000 other Cambridge citizens have gotten together and formed a new special disinterest group, the organization of unconcerned Cambridge Citizens.

We feel that the Politicians in this city are completely out of touch with we citizens who are completely out of touch with local politics.  Why is the city council always debating taxes, in law suites, Drayton theatre and the like? How can they claim they represent our views when we have no idea how any of that crap works? We will represent the views and beliefs of those in Cambridge who care the least. There are many of us non political activists who are not being heard. Unfortunately even the most unconcerned citizen risks getting caught up in all the politicking that is going to go on during the next 4 months or whenever the election is.  We just want to remind the electors that don’t care that no matter who wins they will spend the next four years or so just flapping their gums and then we can go back to non caring status. Our three main concerns and questions for those wishing to be elected are this 1. Where is the best place in Cambridge to get a hamburger? 2. Where can we find a job? 3. Where is the best place to hang out and do nothing?.  We urge all our members to contact the candidates in their ward and voice their inconcern to them, and let them know that we care more what is going to happen on the Celebrity Apprentice than what they do. It’s the only way to deal with politicians. I would let you know where we are meeting, but nobody can decide or really cares where so, we will see, or not.

Another of Gary and Karls great Adventures


A lot has been made of Karl Kiefer and Gary Price and their excursions on the City Dime, but did you know that they made a humanitarian trip on their own money? It happened last year and has never been reported in either the Cambridge Times or in the Cambridge Advocate, so i thought i would report on what happened as I was witness to this great event.

In an effort to provide relief to a people separated from the rest of their region by a great divide known as the 401, Gary and Karl gathered up needed supplies and perilously travelled into the region know as Hespeler, a land that was in need of being brought into the 21st century. ” These poor souls, there is so much we can do to help them” said Kieffer while surveying the areas bleak landscape. “Just look around, not a good hors d’eouvers to be found, no shining city hall, hell they actually have to go outside to do business, how barbaric” “Nobody should have to live like this” chimed in Price.

” I bet none of these people have even seen a theatre let alone attend a play, or know what a good wine is, let alone drink one in a social gathering”  As they continued along the tour of Hespeler they notice an older building that needed some repair work” it’s a shame that their government has no money available to help fix up such an old historic hotel like the place called Ernie’s” “You would never see that happen in our part of the world’ Exclaimed Councillor Keiffer.

“Always remember to keep conversations light and easy to understand” stated their tour guide who called himself Craig the Teacher ” Talk about where you recently went on holidays, what private schools you went to or some of the great architectural buildings that exist in your land, and if you are at a loss for words just mention how nice the local trailer park looks”

The two Councillors did have some apprehensions about the visit, specifically when the villagers failed to make constant eye contact with them, exchange pleasantries, but most disturbing to them was the apparent lack of fascination of the conversations around them” Perhaps if we knew more of the local lingo, we could have made a bigger difference” was Councillor Price’s feelings.

” The one thing that stood out for me, was not one person was wearing a double breasted suit or expensive shoes, the poor things” was one of Gary’s complaints, ” can you imagine, a striped shirt with no cuffs? appalling” was Keiffers view of things.

Finally their day was done and they felt a sense of pride in giving the local residents tips on how to hold silverware and what wine to drink with certain fish, that both men agreed was readily available from the local river”Some of those fish are huge, they certainly won’t starve over here” was Craig the Teachers statement. As they piled into the Limo that was waiting for them the councilors looked over the area and felt that eventually someone would come to this areas rescue with financial support but both men were still puzzled over the fact that none of the locals seemed to know or care who they were. ” Can you imagine that, until they recognize us they may have problems” and the limo sped out of town, never to be seen again.

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Some Books about Cambridge I may write some Day


As someone who dabbles in writing, I am always looking for new ideas and as many do, I plan to write the Great Canadian novel.  Chances are good that it will never happen but, it is worth a shot.  And any good(or hack) writer needs inspiration and i get mine from the people and events that are around me, and so what better place to start then in my own City of Cambridge, looking around i think i have come up with some ideas and as such think that you the readers of the Advocate could help me decide on the topic. So here are some of my ideas.

The wit and wisdom of Lary Turner( Vol 1)

Doug,Ben and Drayton, A Love story

The Social life of Me(A short story)

The Hillis Family:The wild Years

The Idiots quide to Cambridge democracy

Fun Times I had in the Hespeler Jail..An Autobiography

Steve Green: Why I think the Chess team is cool

Everything Jim From knows about woman, but keeps to himself!

Cambridge Politics, the great moments in watching paint dry!

Rick Cowsill: How to make friends in Politics!

So that is just a few of my ideas, now i am going to lock my doors before the mayors flying Monkees come looking for me again.

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Ben, Rick and Oprah?


Well I was working on another story while watching the City hall Budget debate, but found it so fascinating that i have put that story on the background to bring you this little bit of drivel.

This is just a quick list of things that Rick Cowsill and Ben Tucci will probably never do together, or say to each other.

I don’t think that Rick will ever ask Ben to go to the washroom with him and if they do find themselves in the same washroom i am sure that Ben will not stand next to Ricks urinal if there is one open at the other end of the room.

I don’t think they will ever agree on what makes a fruit a fruit or a vegetable a vegetable or go figure skating together.

I know they definitely won’t dance around and blow bubbles together, and if they did they would just try to burst each others bubbles.

“Hey Rick, do these Jeans make me look fat?” or ” Hey Ben, i brought Quiche for lunch, wanta share?”

I am sure we will never see them at the mall together looking for the new JA Rule Disc.

And i am willing to take odds that the two of them will not be sitting next to each other at the first production that drayton puts on.

Some of the things that they may have in common though are interesting..neither one has in all likelyhood read chicken soup for the Soul,or worn lacy little thongs instead of underwear( we hope not).

Do you think either one has ever asked for directions when they have gotten lost?

And i bet neither of them would choke while chugging a pitcher of Beer.

And of course the one thing that both do have in common…neither of them have come over to my house to do my dishes!!!Yes, I am still waiting Rick and you can bring Ben, my Van needs cleaning!…UMMM, I wonder if Oprah is looking for a new topic for her show!!!

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Improving Cambridge(Part 1)


Everybody has ideas on what is wrong with Cambridge and on how to improve things. So in thinking about it(really, i got to get back to work, too much free time) here in my humble “Old Hespeler” opinion are a few ways to improve and beautify the city.
Health care is an interesting issue, and the waits in the Emergency room seem to be a problem but i have one way to improve that. RUBBER SIDEWALKS, that’s right rubber sidewalks, let’s think about this, on any giving Friday or Saturday night the emergency room will contain many people with alcohol related injuries, if the sidewalks were made of rubber,people like me wouldn’t hurt themselves when they stumble out of a bar and therefore reduce the need to go seek medical attention.
Perhaps you help reduce the hydro costs in this city by not using 10 million watt Christmas decorations and leave them on through February. It seems simple enough for me.
In order to beautify the city we don’t need to spend a lot of money, we just need to do some simple things, like outlawing SPANDEX, it is the scourge of our population. I don’t care how sculptured your body is, I and people visiting this city do not need to see the crack of someones ass, or the bulge in the pants, i cringe every time i see someone wearing spandex and think, what if they caught on fire and had to remove those pants in a hurry, couldn’t be done and that would result in a visit to the emergency room, again, needlessly wasting our Hospital’s resources. Oh, and wearing pj’s in public? An eyesore.
Now finally, the Drayton situation. If it goes through i have some ideas for extra curricular use of it. I think that the CAMBRIDGE ADVOCATE should be giving office space in it, thereby assuring a constant stream of people through the building. We extend GO TRANSIT through to the West Side and use the theater as a bus depot, selling tickets and such would allow constant income to be received. I have a whole lot more of uses for Drayton, but that is another column altogether.
And last but not least I think we make Joe Lethbridge Secretary of looking cool. Now that would give this City a boost. I hope the Council at least takes a look at some of these options, because i have more to come in the next few months. And remember, I can always be found,you just have to look.

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On Getting Older


No this is not going to be one of those “When I was your age” posts, but instead an examination of getting older. I am now almost 3 years past 50 and while that is not old, to a younger generation it is almost ancient and after watching and listening to two of my grand Rug Rats discussing the current electronic trends and music personality’s , I did indeed feel a little older.  And yes, there is good and bad in getting older, more good than bad, but nonetheless there is both. Let’s face it at my age and financial situation kidnappers are not going to be very interested in me and if I ever get caught in a hostage situation I probably would be one of the first released. When i go to my Doctor no one calls me a hypochondriac and I am finally able to enjoy the benefits of our medical system.  At this age my joints are probably a better weather indicator than the Weather Channel is and i actually enjoy listening to other people talk about their health issues. And once you are over 50 is there anything left to learn the hard way? The posted speed limits on the highway are no longer a challenge and i actually know and can hum along with the music that plays in the elevator. My eyes can’t possibly get much worse at this point can they? And I don’t need to hold my stomach in anymore when a woman walks into the room, and most of my secrets are safe with my friends because they have problems remembering them as well. I’ve learned never to take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same evening or confuse my career with my life. Nobody makes fun of my dancing anymore, they are just surprised i can still do the twist and the limbo. I’ve learned never to lick a sharp steak knife and i have learned that the most destructive force in the world is Gossip. And i have learned that no matter what you do, someone will take it too seriously and that your friends and family will love you no matter what you do.  And in an answer to my Grandchildren, yes, two sticks and a rock was one of my toy’s when i was your age.  Happy Aging everyone!

Take this seriously why don’t ‘ya


So I was sitting in front of my computer tonight

Thinking about the last Advocafe’s get- together

And wondering if i should take that job offer i had

I started wondering what a protest march of The Advocate would look like

Then i realise we weren’t up the proverbial creek, I found it.

But i decided to just go for a walk

So have a Nice Sunday everyone, and remember, Humor is important, Don’t forget it!

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Searching


After a couple months of unemployment I have started to look at getting back into the workforce and as such have a couple of interviews coming up next week. Having spent the better part of the last 25 years in the restaurant business, that is where I am putting most of my attention. However, since I do know a thing or two about the business, I will be shadow interviewing the places that currently are looking to hire me, and there are a few things I look at before I decide to take a job.

You have to be comfortable in a job and if I see the walls of a restaurant are covered in framed health code violations, maybe I don’t want  to work there. If the coffee isnt bottomless but the bus boy’s are, I don’t want to work there.

Every restaurant has decor, but if they proudly display a collection of their vintage stomach pumps, maybe I will stay away from there. If the waitresses have nicknames like’Typhoid Mary” or “Salmon Ella” i may not go work there.

If I notice that the photo’s of celebrities that eat there are just pictures of the Cambridge Advocate contributors, I don’t think I will work there.  Now sometimes a long lineup at a restaurant is a good thing, but not if it is the one going into the bathroom, and if that is the case, I’,m not going to work there.

If they make you sign a waiver of liability, I don’t think I would work there. I sure has heck wouldn’t want to work in  a resturant that instead of handicap Parking has reserved spaces for Ambulances.

Now that I think about it, I wonder if the Cambridge Times needs a Paper Boy!