Twelve Songs of Christmas( I don’t want to hear)


I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus

Frosty the hitman

I have an irregular heartbeat,pa rum papumm-pumm

It’s beginning to look a lot like Prison

On the first day of Christmas…i maxed out my credit card

Silent fart

Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire

Santa Claus is scamming this town

Frosty my dopeman

I’ll be homeless for Christmas

Rudolph Hess the Red nosed Nazi

Walking around in woman’s underwear.

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Something in a Sunday


“Then i crossed the empty street

on the sleeping city sidewalks

Something in a Sunday makes a fella feel so all alone”

Those words are from the Song”Sunday Morning Coming Down” written in 1969 by Kris Kristoffersen, and today the notion of a big city totally shut down on a Sunday sounds absurd. But in 1969 that was the norm, even in the big city’s like Toronto or New York and of course in our little part of the world here in Hespeler,Galt and Preston.

I remember getting up on a Sunday Morning and going to church ,but more importantly i remember the family breakfasts that would occur at the family home immediately after church. There would almost always be Aunts and Uncles, cousins , Great Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents gathered around the table just getting ready to dig into a big heaping of Bacon, Eggs and pancakes, and for some strange reason i can still smell the strawberry and raspberry jam that would be going on the freshly baked bread that was toasted on the old-fashioned stove top toaster. But this story is not about that, it is about what was going on outside the comfort of the big dining room on Cooper street.

Nothing, absolutely  sweet nothing.  There was very little traffic, no car radios blasting music, all you could hear was the sounds of kids playing and dogs barking.  We would go for a Sunday walk and there was no Tim Hortens to go to, no Grocery Store open to run to, if you didn’t get your beer on Saturday before 5:00 you up the creek without an opener, so to speak. The downtown core that had been bustling the day before was now shut down tight. The butcher shop was silent, the five and dime store that i had spent a good hour in the day before was now just a viewing gallery. The Queens Hotel where my father and his rowdy gang had probably spent a night of high-spirited hi-jinks sat waiting for Monday thereby allowing the men of the night to recover and spend the day doing their husbandry duties.  Factory’s were quiet, the woollen mills sat still and the Speed River seemed to flow a little more majestically because of the still that was in the air. Sure you could go see a movie in the evening or perhaps go see the Hespeler Mic Macs  play Seaforth at the Arena but that was in the evening, this was Sunday Day.  And it was for family to enjoy, no McDonald’s or Burger King for dinner, it was home cooked meals on a Sunday, Roast Beef or Pork, Mashed Potatoes and veggies and home-baked pies.

But those day’s are gone and Sunday is just another day of the week, the importance of the day long forgotten by many and unheard of by many under the age of 30. And that is why on this past Sunday i got up early and went for the same walk that my Mother used to take me over 40 years ago, i stopped and tried to hear the sounds of the past but alas they were gone, they were killed by the crashing bass of the sound system of a passing car,  the leaf blowers hard at work, the sound of a work crew fixing somebody’s roof, the people yelling at each other in front of Ernie’s roadhouse, the smell of gas being pumped into somebody’s hummer on Queen Street and the sound of the Grand River transit bus passing me by.  And as i headed home i closed my eyes and envisioned a Fall day in November 1969 and it brought a brief moment of peace into my soul.

“On a Sunday Morning sidewalk

wishing lord i was stoned

Something in a Sunday, makes a fella feel all alone”

That’s me in the back stuffing my face. 1960

Ethics,Vegetarians and Uranus


Ethics are annoying, i avoid them on principle
Who are our enemies, who are our friends? This is a question of the first importance for the revolution—-Chairman Mao
My ship came in, but it hit an iceberg and sank

The only things in life that are unavoidable are death and taxes, oh and the occasional pedestrian
I love vegetarians, leaves more beef for me
Join the Army, meet interesting people then kill them

Good news: Your son has a girlfriend
Bad News: He is having sex with the married woman next door
Worst news: So are you

Laughing Stock:Cattle with a sense of humour
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
I hate waking up grumpy, so i usually let her sleep late

If love is the answer could you rephrase the question
“Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes, there is too much fraternizing with the enemy”–Henry Kissinger

In Chicago it was once illegal to leave your Elephant outside at night.
“I keep waiting to meet a man who has more balls than i do”—Selma Hayek
Uranus is the only planet that rotates on it’s side

Brain cells may come and go, but fat cells live forever.
Baldage: The accumulation of hair in the drain after a shower
There are over 15’000 miles of neon tubing in Las Vegas

And in parting
What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? A=BINGO

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Monday!


Originally printed on this site November 19, 2008

What is about Monday’s? There have been many songs written about Monday and most of them have not a good thing to say about the day.
Rainy Day’s and Monday’s–The Carpenters
I don’t like Monday’s–Boomtown rats
Blue Monday—Fats Domino.
Call it Stormy Monday–Nancy Wilson.
These are just some songs about Monday and not one of them speaks fondly of Monday. Now i know it is the first day of the week for many, and that in itself is a drag but at the same time i find it as refreshing a day as there is. For Teenagers it is time to return to the books after a weekend with their friends, and for adults back to work after trying to accomplish things around the house and after a weekend of visiting family and friends.
Mondays have always had an interesting aura around them, they have been called Black Monday-Blue Monday-Wet Monday-Miracle Monday-Bloody Monday, among others. And of course we have Easter Monday[or for some of us First Monday]. Monday is the day to get the work week on track and create a whole slew of new “to-do lists”, there is even a medical ailment called “Mondayitis” an illness associated with depression involving going back to work. The expression “Monday’s child is fair of face” is actually inspiring not a comedown. And since the first recorded Monday there have been over 100,000 Mondays and yet the world still goes on.
There have been many events that have happened on a Monday, Salvador Dali died on a Monday, Terry Kath of the Jazz/Rockband Chicago was shot to death on a Monday, Brenda Spenser inspired the Boomtown Rats to write “I don’t like Monday’s” by killing 2 people in her school on a Monday morning, a protest in London England on a Monday in 1886 led to a riot and many unknown deaths-Wall street crashed on a Monday in 1929. A survey in Colorado done in 2002 found over a period of 6 weeks that accidents happened on the roadways on a Monday more than any other day. In Las Vegas, a study done by the university of Las Vegas found more police reports of Domestic Violence happened on Monday’s.
As for me, well i like Monday’s, it is the last day of my work week and usually the slowest so i enjoy it more, it is the one night of the week that i watch Jay Leno, just to see his “Stupid Headlines’, there is Monday Night Football, and that is not bad. And of course there is always our Holiday Monday’s. So lets face it Monday”s are here to stay and we have to get use to it, heck there is even a musical group called”Happy Monday’s”..i wonder if they get yelled at a lot?

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How Come?


Spending time with your grand-Kids is always fun, but sometimes a little challenging. Here are some of the questions my youngest granddaughter asked me while baby sitting the other day.

Why is the cashew the only nut you can not buy in the shell?
How come our fingers are different sizes and shapes?
Why does the moon seem to follow us when you drive?
Why does ice cream give you brain freeze?
Why does ice cream melt?
Why do songs get stuck in your head?
How come birds can sit on electrical wires?
Where do bugs go in the winter?
Why are bubbles round?
How come the sky is blue?
Why do leaves change color in the fall?

and finally…why is smoke coming out of your ears grandpa?

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It’s a Conspiracy I tell ya, a Fricken Conspiracy


It all started this morning as i went into my local Timmie’s on Holiday inn drive, i grabbed my double double and was heading for the door when our local Councilman Rick called me over to his table to say hi. He mentioned that he had read my column on the way’s that our Mayor is Satan, and had shown it to the mayor himself, and that is when i started to worry. I mean, what if the Mayor didn’t like the little jokes at his expense, maybe he did really like his ties, would he sick his flying Monkeys on me? Would my Soul wind up in his briefcase? And worse, would he force me to listen to a Britney Spears album? I walked to my vehicle and immediately tripped and banged my head on the door, just a coincidence i said and started up Holiday Inn Drive towards Franklin Drive when suddenly a police car appeared behind me with his lights flashing. The Police officer pointed out that i had a taillight not working, when was the last time you got pulled over for a taillight not working?  I started again but this time the problem was at Holiday inn drive and Franklin, there was construction that had the 401 overpass shut down and the traffic was backing up..curse you Mayor i thought as i waited for the policeman to finally wave our part of the traffic through, but the conspiracy continued as when i got to the intersection i had to stop as the officer allowed the traffic in the other direction to go. Now when we started again i had to go straight on Jameson as there was no turn onto Franklin, and as the heavy traffic continued we got closer to Townline when the next part of the conspiracy happened,  a truck pulled out of the mall and immediately stalled stopping traffic and keeping me stuck even longer. I finally got out of Hespeler, it had only taken me 20 minutes and headed down townline to the roundabout when more problems occurred. A woman got confused in the roundabout and actually came to a stop trying to fiqure out what to do, again causing traffic to slow down. I finally got through and everything seemed to be okay, but i was wrong. I suddenly released that i had forgotten my wallet at the Timmies and had to turn around and go back to get it.
 That was enough for me i got my wallet and decided to give up on the day and head home, well guess what? I went back to my vehicle and noticed that the drivers side tire was almost flat! Damn you Mayor Craig! And damn your legion of Flying Monkeys!

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An Oldie but a Goodie


FW: URGENT: Toronto Hydro Bulletin
Bulletin
Toronto Hydro is warning customers of the rotating winter power blackouts that are expected to occur on:
Tuesday, Nov 3, 2009
Saturday, Nov 7, 2009
Tuesday, Nov 10, 2009
Saturday, Nov 14, 2009
Saturday, Nov 21, 2009
Monday, Nov 23, 2009
Monday, Nov 30, 2009
This is a province wide alert. The lack of power seems to consistently occur just after 7 pm on Saturday or 7:30 pm weekdays and is attributed to the excessive power required to run the goal judge light behind the Leafs’ net.
Sincerely Yours,
Toronto Hydro

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People on the street


Waterloo is definitely not Cambridge While working up there for the last week, near the University’s i noticed a lot of different things and people, a mixed crowd that is for sure.
Following is what i noticed:

Overweight people that wear tight fitting clothes, people that walk with a constant grin or a constant frown, people talking to themselves, lovers joined at the hip, Chinese,Iraqis,Jamaicans and many other cultures hanging together with no problems, people yapping on cell phones, speed walkers, people just taking there time,post beat hippies, people overdressed for the weather and people under dressed for the weather, official looking people, sloppy looking people, straight couples and gay couples, people lost in thought, people eating while walking, people with long hair, people with short hair and people with no hair, people on bikes,scooters, skateboards, Rollerblades,walking dogs and even one walking a cat, people wearing hats, bandannas even a sombrero, people with backpacks, briefcases and grocery bags, people reading while walking, listening to their i-pods and probably the coolest guy was the one rollerblading while playing his guitar, now that was worth the day.
So go out and see what the world presents to you.

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