Monthly Archives: March 2011

Hot Potato #7


Spring is Coming, but until then here are some more thoughts that have been building up over the winter!

My Lawyer is an idiot, he got me into the Jehovah Witness protection program
4 out of 5 doctors recommend i go see another doctor
Virus is a Latin word meaning”your guess is as good as mine”

As i said before, i never repeat myself
There are no Stupid Questions, just inquisitive idiots
Honk if you like peace and quiet

There is no “Ctrl” button on Chuck Norris’s computer…chuck Norris is always in control
Is a stolen Yam a Hot Potato?
I have a new pen name…i call myself BALLPOINT

My wife complains about how long it takes to water the plants..hey my bladder is only so big
I signed up for an Origami class, but it folded
Murphy was an optimist

My ex Mother in law buried 3 husbands and 2 were just taking a nap
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

Well that is it for now but remember
I still have a full deck, i just shuffle a little slower now.

 

Running with Scissors


Last year i passed my 52nd  year on this planet and am enjoying life more at this age than at any other time, but there are some things that bothered me as a kid that still bother me now.
I hated making my bed as a kid and still do to this day, i mean were just going to mess it up again, right?. And while we are at it, cleaning my room is still an issue, nobody but my wife or myself uses the room so who am i hurting?
Of course that ties into another thing that bugs me and that is being nagged. Growing up it was my Mother and now it is my Wife[ and yes i am taking out the garbage,as soon as i am done this story]. I remember going to the cottage and always having to take a washroom break almost as soon as we left, last weekend i went to see my older brother in Meaford and we were not even on the other side of Guelph and i had to go pee, man that bugs me. I hated Brussell Sprouts then and i hate them now! And nobody is going to make me eat them. I remember as a kid my Mom always yelling at me and she still does to this day only now she does it by Phone, Cell phone and Internet, sometime /technology isn’t for the better. As a kid having to get dressed up was a hate of mine and today i STILL hate to get dressed up, hell Blue Jeans and a nice sweater is Voque to me. And of course i am still not old enough to know it all, and that bugs me. My mother used to remind me not to run with scissors, so yesterday when my wife asked me to get the scissors from her knitting room she yelled” Don’t Run with the scissors” , i mean how stupid does she think i am! Hey, don’t answer that! When i was a kid i hated to get my hair cut and i still hate it, but only because for the amount of hair i have, 12 bucks seems like a lot. And finally i hate being spanked because i am a bad boy…..oops..sorry wrong list for that one.
So what did you hate as a kid that you still hate today? And no liver answers, i actually like that stuff.

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The Original Wedding Crasher


Recently my wife made me watch a wretched little movie called “The Wedding Crashers” and it got me to thinking about an old Friend of mine from Hespeler who in my mind was the original “Wedding Crasher”. Let me tell you the story.
Paul was an original, definitely playing in a different world with a different set of rules. He was wild, funny and totally off his rocker but that is why we all loved the guy. But the one thing he kept telling us was how he could get into any event like Weddings, family reunions etc. We never believed him, but hey if he told the story while we were sitting around having a few beers and what nots, that was good enough for us. But one day we got the chance to see him in action, and what a smoothie he was.
It was late summer[1977 I believe] and a bunch of us were at our local lake having a swim and enjoying ourselves, when low and behold we came across a family obviously in the midst of a get together and that is when Paul went to work. He walked around the outside of the get together so people would notice him and he paid attention to what was being said about who was there and who was not there and then he found out what he needed and he struck.
Some of the family did not show up including an Aunt and her family that many in the group had never seen or had not seen for years and Paul was in like Flint. He spent the next 2 hrs eating and drinking with this group who had no idea he was not who he said he was, he played a little volleyball and lawn darts while we all watched from a safe distance, laughing and just waiting for him to get caught, It never happened. Paul finally left the party and came over to join us and tell us how he did it. It seems that the Aunt that did not show up had re-married and had a son from her second husband that no one knew and Paul just assumed his identity. And it worked perfectly, no one suspected a thing he said and the beer and food were great and he even got a phone number from one of the cousins[whether he called her or not we don't know], and as we left the beach that night we just marveled at the gut’s he had and we finally knew his story’s were true.
As for Paul unfortunately he passed away in September of 1979. But i would like to think that somehow he snuck into heaven and God still has not caught him!

Taxi!


Harry Forster Chapin was an amazing singer/songwriter who’s body of work is second to none. From Cats in the cradle,Circle,Sniper to WOLD he wrote material that stands the test of time but in 1972 he released the Song TAXI and it became a standard.

From the opening lyrics you knew this was not going to be about happiness

It was raining hard in ‘Frisco,
I needed one more fare to make my night.
A lady up ahead waved to flag me down,
She got in at the light.

The song tells us about a lonely Cab driver in San Fransisco who’s last fare of the night turns out to be an old girl friend who is now a struggling actress and how they had gotten away from each other”"took off to find the footlights” and Harry “took off to find the sky”.  But is this story true? Apparently yes.

Clare McIntyre was a woman who Harry fell in love with while at Columbia University and indeed she wanted to be an actress and the two of them planned to be successful show business veterans. However after a two year relationship Claire wound up going to Europe and then went on to San Fransisco and lost contact with Harry.  But did the meeting in the taxi take place? According to his wife Sandy”

I think he was feeling pretty low about it, and wrote the song ‘Taxi’ with the idea that the people he had told his dreams – that he was gonna make a great film – were gonna get into the cab, and so he ended up being a cab driver after all the big talk. And one of whom would be the girlfriend that he had while he was at Cornell. Sue was a real person.”  That really doesn’t answer the Question but we can only imagine that the meeting did in fact take place because Taxi is an Immortal song.

On Thursday, July 16, 1981, just after noon, Chapin was driving in the left lane on the Long Island Expressway at about 65 mph on the way to perform at a free concert scheduled for later that evening at Eisenhower Park in East Meadow, New York. Near exit 40 in Jericho he put on his emergency flashers, presumably because of either a mechanical or medical problem (possibly a heart attack). He then slowed to about 15 miles (24 km) per hour and veered into the center lane, nearly colliding with another car. He swerved left, then to the right again, ending up directly in the path of a tractor-trailer truck. The truck could not brake in time and rammed the rear of Chapin’s blue 1975 Volkswagen Rabbit, rupturing the fuel tank by climbing its back and causing it to burst into flames.

The driver of the truck and a passerby were able to get Chapin out of the burning car through the window and by cutting the seat belts before the car was completely engulfed in flames. He was taken by police helicopter to a hospital, where ten doctors tried for 30 minutes to revive him. A spokesman for the Nassau County Medical Center said Chapin had suffered a heart attack and “died of cardiac arrest”, but there was no way of knowing whether it occurred before or after the accident. As for Claire, well nothing can be found about her as she has slipped into the memorys of many of us whenever we hear

“And she walked away in silence,
It’s strange, how you never know,
But we’d both gotten what we’d asked for,
Such a long, long time ago.
You see, she was gonna be an actress
And I was gonna learn to fly.
She took off to find the footlights,
And I took off for the sky.
And here, she’s acting happy,
Inside her handsome home.
And me, I’m flying in my taxi,
Taking tips, and getting stoned,
I go flying so high, when I’m stoned”.

That Song doesn’t belong there!


Do advertising executives think long and hard about a song before they use it? Do the company’s have any idea of what songs the executives are using? In some cases I don’t think they have a clue. We all watch the commercials, here the song from the past that they are using and tend to hum along but in some cases your ears tend to go..what? That song doesn’t belong there!
Case in point, tonight i was watching the ball game and on came a commercial for a company called Joe’s clothing and on the screen came a bunch of people wearing the clothes and dancing to Generation X’s song Dancing with myself(billy idol covered it, that’s another story), now the song is catchy but what is it about, well apparently it is about masturbating, not exactly what i would think about when i am out shopping for clothes. But they are not the only ones doing this of course, and the ad guys are trying to use nostalgia to sell things and are more than likely hoping that you ignore the actual lyrics or the meaning of the song, but i cant. Take Volkswagen for example, a few years ago they used music from one of my favorite artists, Nick drake, and in particular the Song “Pink Moon” to sell their cars. Now the Ad showed some friends piled into the car and cruising the hills of LosAngelas while the song played in the background, nice image right? Wrong! The song is about Suicide! So where where the friends going, to have a mass suicide? Bad Choice Volkswagen.
Another Car Company Mercedes Benz had a commercial and of course they used Janis Joplin’s Song “Oh Lord won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz”, but there is one problem with that song. It doesn’t praise Mercedes, it rails against commercialization. Good Call there.
And of course how could we forget about Royal Cruise Lines and the use of Iggy Pop’s Lust for Life, a cruise line using a song about heroin and alcohol abuse, works for me. Pepsi used the Rolling stones Song about Brown Sugar, a song about inter racial sex with slaves during the 1800′s, what better to have a Pepsi with. And there are many more than just that, but again it comes back to the Advertising Code, people will buy anything if it has a catchy tune!!!So listen and watch and find your own songs that don’t belong, it is actually fun.

The Dodge, My Dad and Me


What was your first car? Mine was a 1969 Dodge Coronet 500 and I was reminded of it the other day when one was sitting in our restaurant parking lot.
Up to my 18th birthday I had been driving my Dad’s 1967 Pontiac Strato Chief and to have my car was a blessing. I paid $1,000 for it and believe you me that was a lot of money back then but well worth it. The car itself is another story, for this story is about the day I brought the car home.
I remember the day as being sunny and warm and as I parked my new wheels in the driveway I was beaming and as proud as a new Parent would be. I wiped the car down, cleaned the windows and polished the tires. I stood back and admired what I had and that is when my Dad came into the picture. He came out of the house, walked around the car, grunted a few indistinguishable words and commented that the car had too much power and for me to be careful. Agreeing with him was no problem and we discussed the car from top to bottom and I offered to drive him around the block, but he said that he did not need to do that and I then went into the house to phone a friend and let him know that the car was here and to come on over and take a look and then something happened that I could only laugh at. Going down the driveway was my car with my dad behind the wheel, that’s right my father was taking my car for a joyride! What was I to do, I could only laugh and wait for him to come back with it.
45 minutes later he pulls up, parks the car, comments on its handling and performance and then disappears into the house, but before he closes the screen door he makes sure to comment” You’re low on gas”, The son of a gun had burned 3/4 of a tank of gas. I guess it is true what they say
PAYBACK IS A BITCH He got me and I knew it.

So what could I say, I just shook my head and chalked another up to the old man.
There are many other tales from my Coronet and I will tell those later, so have good day and enjoy.

 

Time for a Cambridge Superhero!


Someone has to do it, why not me? Or so i thought as i sat down to ponder what has been going on in this city for the last few weeks. We need someone who can walk the streets at night and bring fear into the evildoers of this fine city, someone with the ability to make a real cool suit look good, perhaps associated with a creature of the night,  a bat, yeah a batman for Cambridge(my wife informs me that has already been done) but what if not a Batman?  So i sat and thought about it and I think i have come up with a few ideas and as is my want, I will share them with you the fine readers of the Cambridge Citizen.
Captain Boomerang: I do like going back to the buffet table a few times
Jump to Conclusions man: A lot of us in town do that, so why not a hero that does that?
Exact Change Man: No, that’s only good at Tim Hortons really.
Professor Prostate: Yea, I could stop the flow of crime with a single flare up
Delusions of grandeur Man: My wife’s suggestion, i don’t get it.
Bureaucrat Man: I could force Criminals to submit plans in triplicate: City council could use me for that one.
Ineffectual Middle Aged man: Again, my wife’s suggestion. Still don’t get it.
The Slime Twins: I would need a partner for this, Hey Scot, you busy this weekend?
Butt Expanding man: Damn, I wish my wife would stop trying to write this thing.
Council tax man: My Spending forces taxes higher and makes villains unable to afford their evil plans.

Well, that is the best That i could come up with and none of them suit me so i guess I will go back to being the one Superhero i can be….flatulence man.  Beware!