Merry Christmas everyone

 

Politically Correct Santa

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

Notice:  This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich.  It is free to
distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact.
All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc
should be made to  mduhan@husc.harvard.edu .  Happy Holidays!

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Some Music for a slow winter’s day

Once the Christmas shopping is done and you feel like listening to something other than Christmas music, i suggest some of these albums may be the tonic. Call it my Anti-Christmas list if you wish!(I do have a Christmas List, but that can wait till tomorrow)

1.Love-Forever Changes[1967] Still the best album from the early psychedelic period.

2.Eric Andersen-Ghosts upon the Road[1988] A album of lost lives and loves from one of the best Singer/Songwriters of my Generation.

3.Loretta Lynn-Van Lear Rose[2004] What a comeback! The perfect blend of country,folk and Rock ably assisted by Jack White

4.Nick Drake-Five Leaves Left[1969] Haunting vocals and sparse instrumentation make this a classic.

5.Richard and Linda Thompson-Shoot Out the Lights[1982] Listen to a marriage fall apart, both artistically and personally.

6.Lenny Gallant-The open Window[1994] East coast singer’/songwriter at his Canadian best.

7.Todd Snider-Songs for the Daily Planet[1994] The Who’s My Generation has never sounded so good as on this album.

8.David Ackles-American Gothic[1972] Fighting for the American Dream[and not finding it] “The Montana Song” is a classic.

9.John Stewart-California Bloodlines[1969] The former member of The Kingston Trio makes the perfect country album for the new decade.

10.Laura Nyro-Eli and the 13th Confession[1968] Others may have had bigger hit’s with her songs, but the original is always better.

11.John Gorka-Out of the Valley[1994] Alternative Country’s leader, “Good Noise” is the best anti Republican song I have heard.

12.Gram Parsons-Return of the Grievous Angel[1974] The grandfather of Country Rock’s Finest Moment. Ass kicking country and tender love songs. True American Cosmic Music.

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The Dodge, My Dad and Me

What was your first car? Mine was a 1969 Dodge Coronet 500 and I was reminded of it the other day when one was sitting in our restaurant parking lot.
Up to my 18th birthday i had been driving my Dad’s 1967 Pontiac Strato Chief and to have my own car was a blessing. I paid $1,000 for it and believe you me that was a lot of money back then but well worth it. The car itself is another story, for this story is about the day I brought the car home.
I remember the day as being sunny and warm and as I parked my new wheels in the driveway I was beaming and as proud as a new Parent would be. I wiped the car down, cleaned the windows and polished the tires. I stood back and admired what I had and that is when my Dad came into the picture. He came out of the house, walked around the car, grunted a few indistinguishable words and commented that the car had too much power and for me to be careful. Agreeing with him was no problem and we discussed the car from top to bottom and I offered to drive him around the block, but he said that he did not need to do that and I then went into the house to phone a friend and let him know that the car was here and to come on over and take a look and then something happened that I could only laugh at. Going down the driveway was my car with my dad behind the wheel, that’s right my father was taking my car for a joyride! What was I to do, I could only laugh and wait for him to come back with it.
45 minutes later he pulls up, parks the car, comments on it’s handling and performance and then disappears into the house, but before he closes the screen door he makes sure to comment” You’re low on gas”, The son of a gun had burned 3/4 of a tank of gas. I guess it is true what they say
PAYBACK IS A BITCH He got me and I knew it.

So what could I say, I just shook my head and chalked another up to the old man.
There are many other tales from my Coronet and I will tell those later, so have good day and enjoy.

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The Bestest Christmas ever( up to that point)

It was Christmas day 1968 and as dawn broke over Hespeler my younger Sister and I were wide awake just waiting for the signal from our parents that would tell us to come downstairs and see what goodies awaited us.  As usual the stocking’s were hanging on the bottom bed post’s and we were comparing what was in them, the usual little things as well as the candy, fruit and nuts that was always in them, but our attention was more on what was waiting for us down stairs. And when my Mother yelled to come on down it was  race to see who could get down first as we pushed and shove and somehow made it down without killing ourselves. And the sight of the tree and all the presents was enough to bring a tear to my eye’s{ but i couldn’t let anyone see that}.

As was the family custom we had breakfast first and as always our older sibling’s made jokes about Santa missing our house or that the Bacon was really Reindeer meat but after a few years we had learned to ignore them and wolfed down our breakfast and anticipating the upcoming ritual of destroying the nicely wrapped presents.

Finally the moment arrived, my Dad had his coffee ready and we settled down to  what would only take 20 minutes, but would bring memory’s that would last a lifetime. Now what made this the best Christmas ever(up to that point)?  I will tell you. It wasn’t the Barrel of Monkeys or the rockem Sock em robots, it wasn’t the Ant Farm or the hottest toy of the year the newly introduced Hot wheels, it wasn’t the silly Putty or the wicked Slinky that would drive my Dad nuts for a good week after Christmas, it wasn’t the Super Ball or the Green Ghost Board game, and it certainly wasn’t the underwear or socks, even though the long Johns would be greatly appreciated come the real bitter January and february that would follow.  No it was something else that set my heart  a flutter and almost made me pee my pants with happiness. It was the JOHNNY SEVEN ONE MAN ARMY GUN, oh yea, a gun that would help me win at the games of war that my friends and i would play. It had everything,  a Grenade Launcher,  a Rocket launcher, Armour piercing shells, the rifle could fire up to ten bullets at a time and it came with a detachable cap pistol and was over 3 feet long. It could do everything and would make me one of the more powerful forces on Cooper Street. I don’t think i stopped grinning all day long and as every Aunt and Uncle and Cousin came by the house i made sure that the Johnny Seven was prominently displayed.  It was pure Heaven and i made sure everyone knew it( i think a few of them wanted to use it on me) and i didn’t care, as i made sure i went outside as soon as i could and tried everything on that sucker.

That was truly a great Christmas and while there were many more to come  that one stands out not only because of the Johnny Seven but because that was also the Last Christmas that i believed in Santa Claus and i find it Ironic that one of my last innocent moments as a child involved receiving a Gun.

 

The Hespeler Way to Shovel your Driveway

With another snowfall upon us, and more shoveling required i feel it is my
civic duty to explain the Hespeler way of snow-shoveling. This has been
handed down to me from my father who got it from his father who got
it..well you get the point. Now in this system of snow shoveling you
need some very important ingredients, so here they are.

Winter Boots..I use Sorel Caribou as they are lightweight and keep my feet warm.

Gloves..I use Isotoner Ultra Dry Hybrid Gloves. Again they are lightweight and they keep a nice fresh smell to them.

Headwear…North end make some very nice toques for Canadian Winters.

Coat….I wear a Far West Goretex coat in a bright red colour, which comes in handy if you happen to fall in a snowbank.

Beer[6 bottles]..This one is very important, and so i recommend a good
sturdy Canadian Brew, i myself use Creemore Springs. Good flavour and
robust body.[ endorsement cheques can be sent to me care of Cooper Street Relic]]

Okay now that you have assembled all the necessary ingredients, here is what you do.

Get your gear on and make sure everything is comfy. Take your 6 Beers
and put them strategically around your driveway. 2 on both sides of the
road area of your driveway,2 on both sides of the driveway, halfway up
and 2 more at the beginning of your driveway close to your door. You
then survey your area, break the driveway down into squares that will
lead you to each beer in orderly fashion. You can now begin shoveling
in each square, rewarding yourself with a beer each time a square is
finished. And by the time you get to the last beer, your driveway is
done and you feel pride in a good job well done, as well as having nice
little buzz going which will help you if you plan to sit down and watch
the Toronto Maple leafs on TV after finishing the driveway. Your
Welcome. Of course the other way to do it is to sit in the house
drinking the 6 beers while your Son-in-law brings his snowblower over
and does your driveway.[thanks Alan..burp]

And that is the Hespeler way of shoveling your driveway.

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Hespeler Rednecks?

Proof that Rednecks can be found everywhere.
My Brother,myself and my two sisters. From 1965. Wonder what the rest of Cooper Street thought?

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The Throne Room has been invaded

I’ve had it, my space has been invaded, let me tell you about it. You know, they say that a man’s home is his castle(don’t tell my wife that though)and in my castle i had everything where i wanted it, or at least did until the grandchildren started to get older and discovered a few things. Now when i turn on my computer the first thing that comes up is the latest Miley Cyrus news, when i go to my music, somehow Jesse McCartneys music has found it’s way onto my playlists. I go to get into the shower and i have to clear out a rubber duckie or two, and if i watch another episode of “Wizards of Waverly place” it will be too soon. I went to get my snow shovel out of the shed and had to dig thru 4 soccer balls and a ton of badminton rackets and birdies, plus untangle the net that was put away”neatly”(yeah, right.) Now my beer can’t go in the main fridge, as it has been replaced by Kool-Aid Koolers, my cheese mysteriously get’s eaten and i have rediscovered the taste for Pop Tarts. Buy some oranges for a late night snack? Nope, they are gone before i even get close to them and i swear the one granddaughter should be swinging from trees as she eats bananas like there is no tomorrow. But the final straw occurred this past weekend, for in every castle is a throne room and of course for the modern man his throne room is the bathroom. And so Saturday night i went in to do what i do and as i reached into my Newspaper basket to grab some intellectual reading material i blindly opened what i thought was a book of mine i realized that what i had gotten a hold of was in fact one of my granddaughters Dr. Seuss books. I let out a blood curdling scream as i realized that the last Bastien of my privacy had been toppled, i now shared my bathroom reading material with an 8 year old. How would i explain this while having a beer at the Fish with my friends” Guess what guy’s? i had a great movement and read Green Eggs and ham while i was at it. No more maxim’s in the crapper..oh, life can be cruel.

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Letter from the War

August 17 1941The Editor:

I received a copy of D.W. and W bugle last night when i came on duty and was really pleased to read all the local news. I’m writing this on duty so if it seems rather disjointed it is because i had to get up to quiet a wild bunch of Irishman we have here one with a fractured skull and when i say wild Irishman i mean exactly that.
The first thing that caught my eye were the pictures. They really looked interesting but you know i worked at all those jobs and somehow or other they never looked the same to me. Still I would not mind taking a whirl at it again. Maybe i will after this issue is over.
How is Red Wilfong, is he still in the dye house and Bill Clark,Shorty Reid and all the old gang. Is Jimmy Tordoff still on the tubs or has he decided to quit wahing Khaki and start wearing it. By the look of the paper the mill must be getting a preety good going over. Is Red Watson and his trusty .38 still guarding the back of the dyehouse. Oh yes one more thing i probably should know myself. Who is the patriotic society i have received two parcels from them and did not know whom i should send a letter of thanks. whoever they are must be getting the idea that i’m not grateful.
Next time you go through the dyehouse will you remind Jim Cutting that he still owes me that letter he promised a year ago. Since coming over here i have run across most of the boys in the 1st division. Just out of curiosity who is June Whorly, I have never heard of her myself but she seems to be creating a sensation among the boys of this unit.
I’ve been here eight months now and i think we have had rain 5 or 6 days a wek every week. It never rains in Scotland I’ve been there twice and it rained both times. Next time i’m going to Ireland.Most letters that i have read that fellows have written to the reporter have been very elaborate in describing the beauty of the country,the hospitality of the people. I will admit that the people as a whole are hospitable.Only it is pretty hard to convince some of them that the people of Canada don’t ride down main trails waving tomahawks.
Due to scarcity of films and the fact that the sun never shines people over here don’t take many pictures. but this one was taken in the surgical ward. Never mind i cant find it,here is another one instead. tell John From if he is still in the dyehouse that he might as well stay where he is, they have no schnapps here and the beer is terrible.
Well i guess that’s just about winds up the news, although it seems that i all i have done is ask questions, so I’ll say, as they say in Scotland

Cheerie–Bye
Ken Mclaughlin
Canadian Army Overseas.

Uncle Ken lived a full life and passed away on February 12th 2007.

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Twelve Rejected Christmas Toy’s

12 toys that were rejected for this Christmas season

MY LITTLE PONY GLUE FACTORY

JOHN CANDYLAND

PEPPIN TOMMYS NIGHT VISION GOGGLES

EASYBAKE METH LAB

TONKA TOYS FOR WHITE TRASH

PLAYDOUGH BLING FACTORY

ROADKILL RACCOON

O.J. SIMPSON ACTION FIGURE, WITH LIFE LIKE SLASHING MOTION

SHIITE PET

XXX FILES ACTION FIGURES

BULIMIC BARBIE

ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE POWER RANGERS.

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